


Stranger Than Fiction

by TheViperQueen



Category: Assassin's Creed
Genre: Crack, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-28
Updated: 2014-05-28
Packaged: 2018-01-26 21:48:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1703723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheViperQueen/pseuds/TheViperQueen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The one time Claudia isn't there to show Ezio the book he unintentionally finds a source of entertainment...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Stranger Than Fiction

“ _‘Ohhh Ezio,’ the blond groaned as the larger man continued to tongue his hole. He tried to rock into the face that is pressed firmly against his backside, but a pair of strong, calloused hands held him in place. His own softer hand moved to stroke at his hardened length. ‘P-please, I cannot, I’m going to-’ he lost language as his orgasm pulled him down into the depths of pleasure-_ ”

The sound of metal hitting stone pulls the assassin’s attention away from the paper in front of him. Across from him his sister stands still as one of the villa’s statues and just as pale. A puddle of wine pools around the dropped cup at her feet, staining the light green fabric of her slippers a deep red. Ezio watches as confusion, betrayal, and embarrassment flick across her face in rapid succession before she finally settles on anger. _No not anger_ , his brain amends as she stalks over to him with her fists clenching rhythmically at her sides, _rage_.

“Just what the _hell_ do you think you’re doing?” she spits as she stops at the opposite side of the ornate desk in her office.

Ezio smirks up at her, not feeling nearly as intimidated as he probably should. “Just a little light reading, sister.” He taps one of the pages with his index finger. “I never took you for a writer, Claudia, but then again I suppose you have to find some way to stave off the boredom.”

The woman gives no reply, opting instead to make a grab for the parchment. She is, of course, too slow to snatch it away. After her next two attempts to reclaim the papers are thwarted she straightens, adjusts her clothes, and (despite the flush that stains everything south of her hairline) tilts her head with an air of indignation. “How I choose to spend my free time does not concern you, Ezio.”

“Oh, but I think it does,” he replies, his words coming out in a purr. “I think my interests are particularly vested given that your hobbies include writing about- hmm how did you put it?” His eyes scan the page in front of him. “Ah yes, me _‘pounding into Leonardo’s hot mouth with reckless abandon.’_ Your style is a laden with clichés, but overall it’s not half bad. Father was never this elegant in his speech, you must have inherited your skills from mother-”

Claudia groans from where she’s buried her face in her hands. “How did you even find it? I had it hidden away…”

“A drawer in your desk is hardly ‘hidden away’,” Ezio tuts.

“It was _locked!_ ”

“You live in a house full of assassins, dearest sister, a _lock_ is hardly a deterrent.”

The younger Auditore throws her hands up in air with a screech. “Is nothing sacred to you?!”

“‘Nothing is true, ev-”

“Ezio if you finish that sentence I swear on my life I will end you.”

“Alright, alright,” he concedes. As he opens his mouth to talk yet again even he begins to wonder if his sense of self-preservation is nonexistent. “You know, if you have time to write about bodies locked in the throes of passion, you have time to be experiencing that pleasure for yourself. I know a man, well a few actually, who’d be more than happy to show you all of the pleasures of the flesh…”

He doesn’t think it is possible for Claudia to look more mortified, but somehow she manages it. Her mouth opens and closes rapidly, though soundless, as her brain tries to catch up with it. “You’re my brother, my _older_ brother! Aren’t you supposed to be trying to _protect_ my virtue?”

“Why should I? You don’t seem too concerned about my-” he drags the word out as he shuffles through the pages again, pushing the chair away from the desk and the grasping hands that look to snatch the paper away, “-y, ah, my _‘puckered little hole’_. Hmm, I wonder if our dear friend Leonardo is as well-endowed as you believe him to be…” he comments absently as his eyes continue to scan the page.

Defeat and embarrassment weigh down on the woman in equal measure and she braces herself against the desktop with both hands. “God, please show mercy and strike me down. Ezio too.”

“Despite your talent your inexperience still shows in the details, dear sister,” he goes on as if she hadn’t just called upon the powers that be for his end. “Even if he was not blessed so, lubrication would still be required. The act would be terribly… _uncomfortable_ without it.” She groans (and is ignored) again. “Which brings me back to my original offer. These gentlemen are good at what they do and I’m sure that they would be more than happy to service you. Or perhaps you’d prefer the gentler touch of a lady?”

“ _Out_ ,” Claudia hisses.

“I’m ju-”

“I said OUT!” She punctuates the sentence with the flinging of the dagger that she always keeps tucked away on her person. While the throw isn’t hard enough to embed the blade into the stone wall behind him it is enough to chip it.

“Let it never be said that I do not know how to make a graceful exit,” the assassin says as he places the paper on the desk and rises. His words are cavalier, even as he backs out of the room instead of turning his face from her.

Once he’s in the privacy of his own quarters (with the door safely locked… and a chest pushed over the hatch just in case), Ezio finally allows his hand to delve through the layers of his robes to ghost over his straining bulge as Claudia’s written words continued to echo in his head. The girl might’ve lacked hands-on experience, but she was still a damn fine writer.

x-x-x

“I can’t believe that Claudia wrote erotica! And about her own brother at that!” Rebecca says with a grin that is just short of splitting her face.

“I think we can safely file that under ‘things I could have lived without knowing,’” Lucy adds in from where she lays sprawled out in their shared bed.

Desmond gives a little chuckle as he rubs at his weary eyes. “That’s not the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen. Ya know, I’m not sure whether that’s funny or sad…”

“Fan fics are cool and all, but writing them about people you know? That’s just all kinds of weird,” Rebecca says as she rises to stretch. She earns hums of agreement from Desmond and Lucy both, but her eyes are locked on the conspicuously quiet Brit. “Don’t you agree, _Shaun_?” Her words are innocent enough, but there’s a knowing undertone that makes the man tense up in his seat.

“Oh, yes, totally. Very, very odd behavior indeed. Don’t see the appeal myself, can’t imagine why anyone would do it.” His hands never falter once as he continues to type up the database entry, but he can feel heat creeping up from his neck to the tips of his ears.

He would have to remember to change the password to his laptop, _again_.  
He’d also have to come up with a better ship name than Descy.

**Author's Note:**

> So this is how I decided to pop my asscreed fan fiction cherry. Yup. Lol…
> 
> **Other Places This Story Can Be Found:**  
>  _Asscreed Kmeme:_ http://asscreedkinkmeme.dreamwidth.org/1611.html?thread=11914059#cmt11914059


End file.
